Karadoll

It’s so cool when you figure out how much people really care about you. Wednesday, late afternoon, after my home cross country meet, I went to go change and go to rehearsal. I’m searching for my keys in the locker room and failed to find them. So, I go out to my car to see if I miraculously left them in the ignition, again, failed to find them. I’m sitting in my car crying because I’m upset, and my fellow JV partner Tessa texts me and says that I won a medal for coming fourth in JV. So I go out, get my medal, and walk over to the auditorium to talk to Heather and Nicole about the whole keys fiasco. I’m crying and I walk in and Heather comes over to me to see what’s up, I tell her about my medal, and then about my keys, still upset. So she hugs me and tells everyone 

Do you realize how hard it is to juggle a million things at once? I didn’t, until I actually had to.
Cross Country.
AcaDec.
The play.
School work (Friggin’ Geometry, AcaDec- sooo hard, Fredley- :|, and Chemistry, which I don’t get.)
No time after school, or for a life. Hahah.
Crazzyyy schedule. It’s been sort of difficult. I mean, I’m handling it, for now. I was just such a load so incredibly fast that I didn’t expect it, and now that I’m doing it all, I’m freaking out. I feel so stressed, and I haven’t really run in the past few days, which is what gets rid, or calms me, of my stress. It’s my high and these past couple days have been hectic.
THOUGH!
Saturday was my first meet, in Flagstaff, which was a complete blast. I was so nervous, but I had soo much fun:) All those kids are really nice, and are nice to me, and I appreciate all of them.
Also, the play started today, we did read throughs, and I’m so excited. It should be really fun.
Another plus is the meet in Winslow tomorrow. That won’t be too bad, except that I’m assuming I’ll come in last.
Thursday my phone should come in, so I’ll finally have a real source of communication again:D

Today, the school wouldn’t allow us to watch the speech President Obama gave directed towards us students, and I was kind of furious. Ms. Able read it to us in AcaDec though, which was nice. It was such a beautiful and inspiring speech, no one could understand why they wouldn’t let us watch it. My mom is planning on calling Superintendent Brackney and pretty much bitch him out. I’m proud to have parents that care.

Anyway. I don’t have a lot to say. It’s weird to be so busy, but have nothing to say about it. Hence why I’ve not blogged in so long. My book is a little hard to understand, (Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison) especially because I have no context for it, and how he talks about how African Americans are treated. It’s just so hard to comprehend. I have to finish it basically by Friday though, so we’ll see how it goes.
Anyway, anyone else have updates? I know we’ve all kind of just stopped posting. I think maybe that means we have lives again. Haha. Anyway. I’m wiped, and I’ve got some things to do, so hopefully, I’ll see you around:)

“If there was a religion of Annaism, and I had to tell you how humans made their way to Earth, it would go like this; in the beginning, there was nothing at all but the moon and the sun. And the moon wanted to come out during the day, but there was something so much brighter that seemed to fill up all those hours. The moon grew hungry, thinner and thinner, until she was just a slice of herself, and her tips were as sharp as a knife. By accident, because that is the way most things happen, she poked a hole in the night, and spilled out a million stars, like a fountain of tears.

Horrified, the moon tried to swallow them up. And sometimes this worked, because she got fatter and rounder. But mostly, it didn’t, because there were just so many. The stars kept coming, until they the sky so bright the sun got jealous. He invited the stars to his side of the world, where it was always bright. What he didn’t tell them though, was that in the daytime, they’d never be seen. So the stupid ones leaped from the sky to the ground, and the froze under the weight of their own foolishness.

The moon did her best. She carved each of these blocks of sorrow into a man and a woman. She spent the rest of her time watching out so that her other stars wouldn’t fall. She spent the rest of her time holding on to whatever scraps she had left.”

As I walked down the sidewalk next to him, I thought about the softness of his hand in mine. Behind us , the full moon shone, as brightly as could be. Caressing my back with his free hand gave me shivers down my spine. Down the road we could see my porch light on, my parents surely inside waiting for me to walk in the door from my late night. “Ella, do you really have to go?” he says in the sweetest voice. Finding my voice is hard, I’m afraid I’ll ruin this perfect, beautiful image of the night. Graciously, I take his hands in both of mine and say, “You could just stay a little longer than planned… accidentally letting me fall asleep in your arms..” How nice the night smells on my fragile senses. I don’t want him to go just yet, praying to God he’ll agree to my plan. Joining me on the porch, he and I both realize my parents aren’t up, and he’s able to take his time and look me in the eyes. Kissing me lightly after his bright blue eyes have memorized every part of me, I think to myself just how in love with him I am. Lips in sync, he realizes I want him just as much as he wants me, right here, right now. Moving slowly into the outdoor swing, padded with cushions, I feel the warmth of him compared to the chill of the night air. Nothing could ever feel as great as this. Of course, he’s the only good thing I’ve felt since I was twelve. Pacing heart, I know I’m not nervous, especially with him being here. Quiet overcomes everything outside, and all I can hear is his strong, healthy heart, and my failing one. Restrictions on my body prevent me from moving faster, I worry my body wont keep up with what will come next. Staring at me, he gives me strength, I know I can handle it. Turning to the door, I’m positive I’ll be able to do the thing I’ve always wanted most. Unless my parents somehow wake up from the quiet creaking of the stairs, I’m golden. Various things cross my mind, as if I’ll have all the time in the world, even though I know in a matter of months I’ll no longer be here. Wondering if he thinks the same things, I undo his buckle swiftly, I’m not scared because with all my heart I love him. Xanadu is where I’m at, it feels like heaven already. “You love me, don’t you?” Zach has always loved me, and I’ve always known this.

Wow! I’ve been so outta the loop! And I haven’t updated my life lately, so that’s what I want to do.
-We’ll start with Morp? That was really a blast. During the day Levi’s sister got married and I was there for the wedding. :] It was short and sweet. Hung out, and then went over to Bee’s to make shirts. The rest of our group was there and it was neat:] Michael and Fran went to Fran’s, the girls and Levi went to my house so Levi could pick Fran and Michael up when they were ready. made food (Stir fry, chocolate covered strawberries, and virgin raspberry daiquiris.) and sent Levi to the boys. I went out and put candles in the double decker and when the boys got back, we ate in there! It was sooo neat. Morp was pretty kick a, got pictures taken with the group and then danced. Cass came by and that probably made the night.

-I’ve started lettrboxing! It’s a lot of fun. http://www.letterboxing.org/faq/faq.html#001

-The rest of the week was kind of a blur. Very long, it’s all been very long.

-Last Saturday we (Andrea, Justin, Levi, and I) went to Flagstaff. It was really neat, and we had fun. It was only the second time I’ve been there, and I could live there easily. Just kind of roamed around and explored. Andrea and I have a trip planned to go back sometime in April to go shopping in a little store we fell in love with:] I’m really excited.

-Sunday I got my hair cut:D and then Steph and her mom came and got me and we went and saw a.. friend? of Angie’s from years back. he talked about the Hopi’s and showed us his land, told us legends and history about thee place. That was REALLY cool. I can’t wait to study up on it.

-Tuesday Shay got her license! AND SHE CAN DRIVE HER CAR.That’s big.

-Yesterday was Hair’s birthday and he invited me to hang out with him, Kim, and Ben. It was neat to get out of the house and hang with people I don’t normally. We had a good time and watched It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World. :p

-Today, was alright. My normal schedule seemed weird though, I didn’t go to Abel’s like I have the last week and a half, but I missed my H-baby. Fairly positive I passed both of my benchmarks, surprisingly enough, for Bio. It was really easy. And then Shay drove us home and Levi hung out for awhile. Not a spectacular day, but good.

Iunno, it’s not much, and there’s probably more, but it’s an update. Thanks for listening :p I’ll post more later.

It’s been the best day of this week. Saturday will hopefully be good too, I’m looking forward to it.
Today was a half day, so we got out at noon. Steph, Shay, Blake, Katie, and I went to lunch in Pinetop which was different, and really nice. We went to the Bagel place by the Village 8, and that was amazing. They have vegetarian bagel sandwiches with humus! Soo good.
Saturday, I’m supposed to go to breakfast with our Morp group, then Levi and I are going to his sister’s wedding, which will be neat. I’m excited for that. Then, that night is Morp. Who wouldn’t be excited?

Things have been so.. weird lately. It’s all a sense of detachment, jealousy, annoyed, confused, and.. nothing. I can’t even explain it well. I’m trying really really hard to be happy. By next week, I’ll hopefully be golden. I’m going to start running again, I’m going to start going on trails and hiking. I’m going to study more, I’m going to make plans. But, for right now, I need to feel how I feel, because I need to get over it on my own. They’re things that have to be dealt with. So, I need to figure out how to do that.

It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.
— Wisdom of Confucius

I was home alone this weekend.
It was different, and nice, and I think if it happened again, I wouldn’t be scared. Though I spent Valentine’ alone wasn’t so cool, but ahh, that’s okay. It had a sense of freedom. No one had any expectations of me for a specific day. I could clean on my own time, I could do what I needed to do on my own time. It was different.

Now it’s back to normal. Normal life, still different, but that will change.
Everything changes at one time or another.
That’s kind of a sad thought. Sometimes I wish some things could stay the same forever. But I know they can’t.
Sometimes I wish things would change when they can’t.

I miss my best friend. njkd;gi;d

Alright. I’m done ranting and.. all that jazz.
I’ma jet.
See you there.

And you know for the first time, for the very first time, that there will now be a before and an after, a was and a will be. And that you will never again quite be the same person you were.

The rest of us can find happiness in misery.
Oh how I love me some Fall Out Boy. Sigh.
I’m not sure exactly why, but I know I’ve been out of my funk guys, and I’m sorry. It’s weird, started Saturday..? And hasn’t exactly stopped. Weird mood swings, and honest, I’m sick of it. I just want to be happy dammit!
I think there are a couple of major points though, that are bringing me down:

1. All this talk about wanting to leave Show Low and never come back. Yay college, yay new lives, I get the gist. I’m so extremely happy for every single one of you, I just hate the fact that you feel so tied down and want to leave. I don’t want to be the one to hold you back, I’m just going to miss you. Shay says at least every other day that there are only four months left, and every single time I hear it, a piece of me breaks. Just small pieces, but once you break enough of them, a whole chunk breaks away. I’m not holding you back, I just wish you knew what leaving is going to do to me. Not just Shay though… all of you. It’s not that I don’t want you to leave, it’s that I love you too much to let you go.
It was probably a realll bad idea to become such good friends with Seniors and Juniors. Suck.

2. All the stress of school is kind of taking it’s toll, too. I’m so worked up about getting good grades it’s all I think about. “I have to study, I have to study, I have to study.” I almost wish it came easily to me, but working for it is nice.. just hard. I need some chill time.

3. I think I need some me time? Or.. some me-and-my-best-friend-hanging-out-laughing time. Quite possibly that’s the case. I want to be people friendly… once I’m happy with people again. That’s the best I can explain it.

Right now
I am feeling a bit burned out, but still there.

Right now
I am thinking about today.

Right now
I am really wishing I could express my thoughts.

Right now
I am looking forward for the weekend.

Right now
I am wanting to go read my book.

Right now
I want to know what’s wrong with me today…

Food for thought
“There is one thing I have to tell you, just one thing you need to remember always. You are my best friend. You have been that way for a while now and in my heart you always will be. That’s it.”

“I believe in pink, I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”

Just give me some time. I’ll get there.

You can love all you can. You can do what you can. You can care all you can. But, in the end, who you end up hurting isn’t something you can choose. You can’t save everyone, someone is going to get hurt, no matter how much you don’t want them to. But, you can’t think of everyone else all of the time. Sometimes, you just have to think about what’s best for you, how you can make your life better. And, if you save someone else from hurting, well, you’ve done the best you can do.

Things that have saved me within the last week:
-Being close with my best friend. I love her.
-Good classes. I love them.
-The love of learning? :] Ohh, it’s so nice to understand what I’m learning. I love it.
-Them, my friends. Everything they do makes me better.
-Feeling refreshed. Vegetarian, here I come. :p
-Doing well in Bio. I’m passing, I think? It’s a wonderful class.
-Good relationships. Even though some are bad, I’m not worrying. Everything will be okay.
-Getting told I’m beautiful. I love compliments?
-Clothes. What more can I say? :]

I can say being sick is NOT on that list, it’s suckkeeedd.
This week has been alright though. I’m really enjoying this semester so far. I think it’s going to turn out well. :]
We’ll see how it goes next week.